The Ugly Mantra
Health and wellness can easily become a never-ending optimization process based on the underlying premise “I am not ok.” I see many patients who are doing so many things “right” and yet continue to struggle. They exercise five times a week, eat whole foods and go to therapy, but continue to suffer from a physical or mental health problems.
So, understandably, they double down on the healthy habits. They go to acupuncture, cut out sugar and caffeine, exercise more or differently. And there is nothing wrong with this. In fact it may be the exact right thing to do. In a previous newsletter I recommended to try something new—anything at all—when things aren’t going well.
But where it can go wrong is if, as we are pursuing all available avenues toward better health, we slide into a belief that we are not okay just as we are. This is the spiritual heart of the matter. It’s a question that comes up again and again in spiritual conversations. How do we move forward and take action without making who we are right now, or present circumstances, “bad?” As the Zen monk and teacher Suzuki Roshi said, “You are perfect the way you are, and you can use a little improvement.”
How can we love our bodies as they are while recognizing they could use a little improvement? It reminds me of renowned midwife Ina May Gaskin’s famous quote, “Your body is not a lemon.” A lemon is a defective car that can’t be fixed. Gaskin’s point was that women are afraid to give birth and think they can’t, when in fact their bodies are made for it. Their bodies are not lemons, but rather well-oiled baby-making machines.
Unfortunately we don’t just think our bodies are lemons when it comes to birth. Women tend to relate to their bodies as a problem, as somehow errant. At puberty many of us start believing we’re too fat, too skinny, or possess any other number of bodily flaws, and begin a lifelong process of fixing ourselves.
But no matter how many things we improve, there’s always something else to fix. Because in the end it’s not actually about how our body looks and feels. The true driving force behind it all is how we feel about our body, which is—to sum it up in a word—bad. Even if everything we’re doing on the surface seems healthy, smart, disciplined, and even caring, for a lot of us there’s an ugly mantra underneath it all that’s running the show. That mantra is some version of “I’m not ok.”
An Antidote
Since we’re in Mercury Retrograde, it’s a good time to review. It’s a good time for contemplation, assessment, looking deeper and discovering new truths. As an antidote to the health optimization hamster wheel, here’s a brief exercise you can do right now.
First I’d like you to consider all the ways you’re already taking good care of yourself. Make a list on a piece of paper or in your Notes app. Write down everything you currently do that supports your physical and mental health. When I did this myself, I felt a pleasing sense of satisfaction. It felt good to take stock. To stop and see where I am, instead of only focusing on where I want to go.
Now make a list of things that are going well for your physical and mental health. Even for those who are very sick or even dying, there’s always something that’s working. If you’re not sure what to write, consider breathing, walking, and the five senses. Consider the different body systems, like the digestive, respiratory and cardiovascular systems. Write down everything you can think of.
For me, making this list inspired a feeling of gratitude. Not a forced, effortful gratitude but a spontaneously arising gratitude for the blessings I enjoy every day and take for granted. Let me be clear: I could make a long list of things that are not working too. The point here is not to spiritually bypass or ignore the challenges, but rather to spiritually balance out. To lift our spirits enough that the mantra running behind everything is a loving one, rather than a mean one.
One of the coping strategies for childbirth I used to teach was to feel the parts of your body which are not in pain. It’s human to fixate on pain. But at the same time as one part of you is hurting, there’s another part that feels totally fine. Maybe there’s something about your health that needs improvement. At the same time, there’s something that’s perfect the way it is. And even that part that needs improvement is perfect, if you can believe it.
About Wise Body Women’s Health
Wise Body Women’s Health is an integrative gynecology practice in New York City founded by Jane Riccobono, CNM, WHNP. A former midwife with over ten years of experience, Jane founded Wise Body for women who want healthcare that sees all of them—body, heart, mind and spirit.
Jane’s approach to women’s health is feminist and spiritual. She provides integrated care that blends evidence-based treatment, nutrition and lifestyle counseling, and intuitive wisdom.
Whether you’re navigating perimenopause, painful periods, or simply want a provider who sees the whole picture, Wise Body offers unhurried, whole-person care. Learn more here.